Well on Friday I was completely overwhelmed with emotion. I left work early and on the outside I seemed fine but on the inside it wasn’t a very good day for me.
As I drove to pick up my oldest it hit me. It was 5 years since I moved from my hometown to Philadelphia. The tears started streaming down my face. The move was strategic and not random at all. A lot of my extended family and friends all seemed to believe that I moved to build a life with my fiance but that wasn’t the case. It was true that we had just gotten engaged but the truth was life has begun changing and changing fast.
I had an almost 2 year old and my job had downsized. I was in and out of specialist offices and hospitals with my daughter who struggled with asthma, seizures, and acid reflux. I was at my wit’s end. It made sense to move since my job had ended and it wasn’t holding me back. The catch was when I moved, it was with my fiance and his mother. I tossed and turned for about 2 weeks coming to the decision to move. I’ve lived on my own for so long and to take a back seat to someone’s home and ways was giving me major anxiety.
However at the time I did what any good mother did and that was made the move because I felt at the time it was in the best interest of my child. Well it wasn’t smooth sailing. I found out I was already pregnant with my 2nd child and the transition wasn’t easy for me. Between pregnancy hormones, anger at myself for not equipping myself with options, and resentment I struggled. I kept coming home weekly to “visit” and I only unpacked the necessary stuff because I was sure I was going to just come back home.
However reality had set in that moving back home wasn’t going to happen. My parents sold their home soon and I felt anger again. I should have bought their home and came back to my comfort zone but I didn’t. Shortly after having my son I experienced post partum and episodic depression. I suffered in silence and for the first few months I had no idea I had a problem.
My relationship suffered and I wasn’t even sure I wanted to get married anymore. We ended up putting our large wedding on hold just because the living conditions had changed and I was no longer able to cope. The turmoil was real. With a relationship on the edge and almost non-existent I felt like I had lost complete control.
The fight to step out of that fight was one of my hardest fights I’ve had in my young life. I had to make it in my mind that if I was going to be whole I had to do the right thing within myself and let God take care of the rest. It wasn’t like I could say some great words and bam I was out. This is my 5th year of moving to philly and it took me 2 years to get through the depression. It’s taken almost 4 years for me and my family to be under the same roof. Yes we were on our way to divorce and Co-parentng. It wasn’t a great time even though from the outside looking in we were the ideal family. The reality was we were both dedicated to shielding the kids as much as we could and providing them as much outlets as we could. I thought how could the love I have for my college sweetheart and the love of my kids not be enough to get me out of this? It was because I had a lot of growth that needed to be done. I also had to see that I could make it. I had to limit my support system and lean on God and not resources.
Here are my top take away from my 5 year ordeal::
1. When you make a decision if you don’t have peace with it don’t move. There will be times when things don’t feel well and you need to listen to it. Anything gained from lack of peace will not stay.
2. If you need help get it. Don’t be afraid of how others will look at you and treat you. Trust me they are already talking anyway. Don’t worry about them and silently watch your own demise.
3. Be honest. I wasn’t honest with my ability to handle a lot of the trials that took place. Even the strong need to keep it real with themselves the most.
4. Not everyone who says “what’s the matter” really cares. I would have friends and family that only wanted to get the tea. Other than that not everyone is equipped to help you through.
5. It’s a test. It can be a few moments, weeks, months, or even years but it’s a test. You can make it you just have to believe even when you can’t see the other side of peace, happiness, or contentment.
