How Becoming A Mother Saved My Life: Anxiety and Childbirth

Listen I know I am not the only one. I saw myself having children. Planned my life to the T. I would go to college, find and marry the love of my life and have a family all by 25. When I became a mother it saved my life but not in the way you may be thinking. I didn’t hit all of these manmade must haves and I surely didn’t hit it in the way that most set out. My anxiety and depression was being masked and having a child uncovered me in ways I wasn’t prepared for.

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New Baby Means New Joy

I didn’t get a chance to hold my baby like most mothers. She was born prematurely at 4 pounds and 3 ozs. Having being diagnosed with Preeclampsia made her delivery more dangerous. She was cooking in my womb safely however I was in danger of dying so a C-section was the only option. Everyone in that moment was trying to prepare me for what to expect. No amount of preparation was enough. I had her at exactly 11pm and it was a whirlwind. When all was said and done, she needed to stay in the NICU. That pain was horrific. I hadn’t even held her. I had nothing but hand holding. Eventually days later was my first time to bond.  I was distraught leaving her and from the first day I didn’t feel connected. 

Anxiety Unmasked

I didn’t even realize that I was dealing with anxiety. After having her she was having issues with breathing. We were in and out of the hospital what felt like weeks at a time. I can’t even put in words the times I had to put clothes in my trunk. I would look at her and I knew what times we would be kept. Running on pure adrenaline, I didn’t have time to tap into anxiety until I moved to Philadelphia. See the blog on how that went.

As she leveled out and was less and less sick I found myself struggling. I didn’t understand why. The reasons why I never spoke up was because I couldn’t connect with her. I felt like as a mom, I should be more connected to my own child but I wasn’t. It was the first time I knew I needed a therapist. I began to acknowledge to my husband how I was failing.  That feel of failure was increased because I had the world’s happiest baby with the most miserable mother and human. How would I not stop this baby’s joy and find some of my own?

Emotional Block

I soon realized I had an emotional block that started as I wasn’t able to connect to her at the hospital. Going out of my way to make sure that the connection is strong was the way I operated in the beginning. I used to feel guilty and would act out in that guilt. My husband (boyfriend at the time) naturally gravitated to her. I was often jealous of their bond. I felt like my time and right to bond was robbed of me in the OR. So as my therapist worked with me. She stopped me in my tracks to remind me that yes the bond was interrupted but that it didn’t have to stay like that. I had a choice to make.

The decision to do my part and love harder became easier to do over time. My oldest was making me deal with myself.  I no longer had my successful education to lean on like I had used to hide behind. Eventually I had been downsized from my job so being a hard worker wasn’t the area I could hide. That vulnerability of feeling all I had was myself was too much to take in.

Being a Mom with Mental Health Issues

There’s a stigma that mothers with mental health issues aren’t able to be good moms. That’s a lie. I was the very present cookie cutter mom I had always wanted. Being able to give my daughter the best of me was a challenge at first but doable. She saved my life. I am a better mom for recognizing the struggle and getting the help I needed. 28 years of any and all trauma I had experienced, I had to deal with. Being a mom is beautiful but no one tells you that being a mom in itself can be a trigger. A lot of people in my inner circle never knew what was happening.

Anxiety and Struggling in Silence

Motherhood is supposed to be an automatic walk in joy. Once you look at your child you are supposed to feel immediate attachment. I didn’t. Many don’t. They can’t speak up either. Why? It’s not right to say that you can’t or don’t. You’re automatically a bad mom. However it’s not uncommon. Motherhood although starts at conception and it takes a toll on your life. Many mothers no matter their age or stage in life are not all going to automatically become perfect mothers. So I encourage mothers to do what’s best for them and their child. If you can’t open up to your inner circle, get professional help. Talk to someone who won’t make you feel bad about it. It’s not a shame to have the disconnect its a shame to stay that way.

Happiest Baby Ever with an Anxiety Filled Mom

As my daughter has gotten older I still make sure I am bonded to and with her. She is my whole heart. My mini me is the reason I made the decision to be a better human. In return the joy she has brought to my life I knew I couldn’t let that bubbly personality down. God gave me the happiest baby ever. Every where we went she was the light in the room. No matter how many times she was hospitalized she smiled through it all.

If she could be this happy with everything around her going wrong, so could I. I could do the work to be better. To love her with intention. To love myself with intention. She makes me want to be better in the beginning until becoming better took on personal reasons. I love her for what she means to me. Sometimes the very people bring into your life is all about opening your eyes. Read more in how you can handle not always getting it right in the blog.

Love and Protection

All I know is helping others with the topics no one wants to publicly talk about. However at the end of the day, I know I am not alone. If you found issues with bonding with you child even without medical intervention it happens. Acknowledge it and do something about it. You will rob yourself and your child the ability to have the love they deserve. Kids don’t ask to be here, but once we get them here supply them with love and protection. I wouldn’t be the woman I am today had I not had my child and been honest with where I was.