The Grief of Outgrowing People, Places, and Versions of Yourself

Everyone talks about how we should move on from things and people who don’t suit us. However, we rarely don’t talk about the grief that is associated with it. We often celebrate growth as something positive. But what about when it comes to loss? In a world where everyone’s cut off game is elite let’s dive into what is left over from doing so and how to manage those empty feelings left behind.

Outgrowing People Doesn’t Make you a Bad Person

The people on the other side of a cut-off may view this section with a little side eye however let’s talk about it. You are allowed to outgrow people when it feels forced, alignment and priorities change, or the old versions of self are met. Ask yourself, would you be willing to stay connected to someone when it no longer works just to save face? Many of us do it and the guilt is palpable. In addition, you can’t be mad or shouldn’t be when you are on the other side of it. 

Here are questions to ask yourself while you consider who you have outgrown:

• Who am I holding onto out of guilt
• Which relationships feel nourished
• If the relationship feels exhausting, why hold on?

My oldest is seventeen so about 15 years ago I had a friend who was so worried about being married and having children that she couldn’t be happy for me when my time came. I remember her hollering on the phone from her own pain of wanting what I had that it was a lot. I attempted to understand but knew that she would be an issue. It was no longer healthy. Although being a mom and wife was important to her it was all she saw. I had to cut that relationship off. It hurt. I had known her for years and yet here I was having to make a difficult call to end it.

Unexpected Grief of Leaving Places Behind

Sometimes grief can be in leaving a place behind. When I moved from my childhood home I felt a sense of grief. The way in which I left was moved up due to my pregnancy which I kept concealed until I moved by the way. I love Lancaster PA it will always be home for me. Philly felt like a fresh start to bring my family under one roof but not without major challenges. I had a village in Lancaster. The village had changed and I had to relearn what my new normal would look like. Mix that with postpartum and it was a recipe for disaster. 

So now I get to come back and forth from Philly to Lancaster on my own terms. I get to enjoy my village in other ways while leaning into my new one here. Grief that I felt I never spoke of. It took me longer to commit to my new surroundings because I wasn’t being honest with myself.

Saying Goodbye to Old Versions of Yourself

After the birth of my 3^rd child, I had a come to Jesus moment. I had a huge falling out with my stepfathers family and amid this attempting to go to therapy for many issues that came from it. The old me had to die. I know that sounds harsh, but I was a mom and wife. The way in which I dealt with perceived disrespect had changed. It was hard because I felt like I was being soft to people who didn’t deserve it. However, what I gained from dealing with old Toi allowed me to be the new version of myself in better ways. 

Here’s what I learned about the years of mess I allowed was that the carefree version was necessary. My children deserved a mother who could be present and not muffled by the past. I deserved to simply live in my new soft life without guilt. I like the new version of me and the ones to come by being dedicated to doing the work.

Why does growth feel lonely?

It’s a gap being who you are and who you become. You and others have led of life that comes with certain expectations. For instance, people expected me to address every sign of disrespect. Now I don’t feel the need for others to side with my version of events. Make me the villain of your story. Meanwhile I am taking trips, collaborating with my favorite brands, enjoying my family, and maintaining my peace. There is also the grief of quantity vs quality of folks in my circle. It gets lonely when you still need the crowd you once had.

Everyone is around to watch the crash out, but few folks get to see when you are solid. Remember that. As you learn to trust yourself, feeling misunderstood may be loud enough as you chase proximity to the very folks you don’t even want to be around. 

Self-Care during Seasons of Change

While you shift into who you are becoming here are a few things I suggest you do and that I have done:

• Journal through it
• Allow yourself to grieve
• Resist the urge to rush the process
• Celebrate your growth and wins
• Creating new traditions
• Give yourself permission to change your mind

Take care of you. Be honest about the grief. I have had to call on my friends to say I am not feeling okay. This is okay to let others in. Let others see that softer side of you. In addition, I also made sure to go back to those activities that made me smile. For me that was more reading, self-reflection, letting myself be whimsy, going back to my crafts and more. These activities made me smile. Allowing myself to smile helped me a lot. Instead of focusing on what I lost I tried to focus on what I gained.

• Peace
• Confidence
• Better boundaries
• Self-trust
• Clarity
• Joy

What letter does your younger self need?

I want to end with a letter to younger Toi, and I encourage you to write one for yourself too.

Dear Toi,

You came into this world being rejected by your father. Your mother wasn’t in her right mind and thus you weren’t parented with the things you needed. Feeling safe, validated, and joyful were replaced with simply survival. Although education became your way out of it all it wasn’t the sole part of you. You were worthy of creativity, love, and being the whimsical girl that was told to be quiet, move, and get along.

Your people pleasing skills are no longer needed. You can be kind, but you don’t have to be nice. Make your boundaries and stick to them. This is who you are now. Toi, you are an amazing woman. The past is a great teacher but it’s not the end of your story. Now make peace with those who seek it. Remove yourself from the things that hindered your greatness. Be apologetic to those you hurt without making backflips to gain their love. You are enough.