Self-Care for the those who are always “fine”

Sometimes if you ask people if they are okay, you may hear the words, “I’m fine.” We have mastered the ability to give an answer for the sake of a conversation. Even with the kids if you ask how their day went, they too may answer with “fine.” Sometimes fine is enough but often more than not it’s a generic response that we should look a little deeper too. This is dedicated to all who are simply fine when they are not.

Learn to be Honest with the responses

Sometimes we use fine because we don’t have the bandwidth to have more of a conversation. It’s a way to keep people at bay. I understand that. However, what I have been doing personally is being more honest in my response. I will say things like I am not fine, but I am working on it. This sends the message that I’m not simply answering to answer. Engaging in conversation but also being honest for where my life is now.

There is a weight with being fine. It’s heavy ask any strong friend. They are the ones who don’t have things happening in their world. So, when they are off often it goes missed since they aren’t checked on. On the other side of being a strong friend is also those who think they are strong due to not opening up. Do your friends think you are strong or do they know you are closed off? There is a difference.

Hidden Pressure Behind being fine

If you are the one that everyone can count on, how do you establish boundaries? For instance, I tell people when I do not have capacity. They need to see me as human instead of a fixer. My life is not a television show. There is no reason I will conduct myself as such. Not having the capacity means there are times when I am not able to fix other folks problem. I won’t even listen to it. This sounds hard but the reality is you must let others know when you have reached your limit. Being outside of capacity sets the tone that although I love everyone around me-I need space too.

Strong doesn’t mean an instant dump of information. Another way to stop being a strong friend who is beyond capacity is to stop asking folks about their business. I have one friend who knows the tea in everyone’s life. She knows who it is and isn’t doing what. If I don’t actively carry the bones the bones won’t overwhelm me. She is also the same one who gets mad when people aren’t invested in her in the same way. Learn to be a support and not a crutch to folks.

Running on Auto Pilot

Autopilot when in a car is supposed to help you if you get a little tired and need a little assistance. Some of us are on autopilot in life and it’s not serving us the way we think it is. here are signs you are on autopilot:

• Constant fatigue
• Irritability
• Difficulty concentrating
• Lack of excitement for the things that normally bring you joy
• Emotional numbness
• Feeling disconnect from yourself 

Functioning isn’t the same as thriving. I have had times when I was doing things, but I wasn’t thriving. This also adds to my feelings of depression. You can be a friend or family that others can depend on without overextending yourself.

Booked and Busy isn’t Self-Care

I love doing what I do. If you looked at my calendar you would wonder when I had time to rest. The truth is that being booked and busy isn’t self-care even if you are doing what you love. So how do you find the middle? For me I add days of relaxation and block my schedule off. For instance, December is a month of holiday fun. Instead of saying yes to it all I plan to be choosy in the activities limiting to only 1-2 per week if that. The reason is I need time for me and my family.

I tell my content creator friends all the time say no. It’s a full sentence that brings so much power. Opportunities that are for you will never leave you.

Here is self-care looks like:

• Saying no without explanation
• Taking a mental health day or days
• Setting boundaries
• Asking for help
• Going to therapy
• Allowing yourself to rest without earning it
• Admitting you’re not okay

Ask yourself the following:

• What am I carrying right now?
• Are there things that are draining me?
• What do I need more of?
• Who can support me?

Not Fine all the time 

There is nothing wrong with not being fine all the time. Be okay with it. It may look different. Your friends and family may see you and think you are changing. You are and that’s okay. Take the time to rebuild you. Being strong doesn’t mean carrying it all by yourself. Capacity doesn’t mean you are never tired. If you need to be resilient it doesn’t mean that you don’t need care. You deserve the same compassion as you freely give to everyone else.